“Well … I was walking in the night and I saw nothing scary.
For I have never been afraid of anything. Not very.”

What Was I Scared Of?
Dr. Seuss

by Jarret Liotta

WESTPORT — It was gun-owner logic that set the fuels of fear ablaze Thursday morning when both Staples High and Bedford Middle Schools were put under lockdown.

Didn’t you hear about it?! A suspicious person was spotted walking between the two adjacent campuses!!

Well, it turned out that it was a Staples High School student … Yes, a Staples student heading to school … That’s why the two schools were put on lockdown for an hour …

To everyone’s defense, the student WAS carrying a backpack …

But let’s say it together: “What The F***!!”

W.T.F.!!!

So this is the world we’ve made — well, you’ve made — I was never involved! Paranoia up the wazoo — Yes, I said wazoo and I didn’t asterisk it! — with abundant fear that the worst is gonna come, the dangers are going to manifest — we just have to keep expecting them to!

Fortunately, as there are a bevy of secret cameras all over the school property — like the multitude that spy on us downtown and from Teslas and people’s gated yards — they were able to ultimately deduce that it wasn’t a shooter or Russian agent, but a student trying to get to school.

(My understanding is that he actually did get to school, but then was likewise forced to be locked down because of himself!)

Mind you, the police were just responding — doing the job we, in our fear and paranoia, ask them to do … But how sad that people are so steeped in fearful expectations and paranoia and so pumped up about the worst — almost hoping for it — that these kinds of scenarios are manifested … Yeesh!!

When will we recognize the merciless hold of The Fear?!!

One Lawn, Two Lawn, Green Lawn, Blue Lawn

In other news, Yes, that was me mowing my lawn. You can tell it’s me because I’m the only person in town who actually goes out themselves and cuts their own grass. And I do a damn fine job, if I do say so — not actually with the cutting, but in getting a vibrant orange tan.

Given that it’s that season, I’ll put in a plug for organic lawn practices — or better yet, no lawn practices at all. One of the stupidest things we do — and there are so many — is to continue to let lawn companies sprinkle chemicals on our lawns to make them greener. (Isn’t that beautiful musical irony — people put the most “un-green” practices in place to make their lawns green!)

It’s so unnecessary. The lawn looks just fine without them. They really do! Trust me!

More importantly, I hold you in no higher regard because your lawn is so green. You’re impressing no one, so stop it! You’re better than that!

Plus, avoiding these chemicals — or taking the time to confront your lawncare specialist and insist that they stop spreading this crap — is such a simple way to assuage pesticide poison going into the ground, the watershed, the rivers and Long Island Sound … the animals, the bees … our kids … the RTM, the Y’s Men, the RTC …

Green Dregs and Shame

Speaking of my lawn mowing, I think it’s funny how uncomfortable people get in regard to it. It’s a weird inherent shame we all hold and experience when we see someone doing something we somehow feel is manual or menial, like mowing their own lawn or going to community college. In Westport especially, we don’t know how to relax around people doing such unexpected, and you can see there’s a subtle fear that it may be catching.

(As a former Norwalk Community College student myself, I’ve often found it amusing how people become all embarrassed when I tell them I went there. “Oh, that’s great,” they quickly state. “It’s a really, really good place, etc.” Yeah, yeah! I know I’ve made you uncomfortable.

The Fear comes in so many forms — wariness of people that look like us doing manual labor, suspicious students walking brazenly onto school grounds, and pale green pants with nobody inside them!

Come on, people! You’re embarrassing me, and anyone will tell you that’s really, really hard!!

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