by Jarret Liotta

WESTPORT — I’d like to take this week to express my fervent thanks for the dozens of supportive comments I received sharing sadness & regret over my planned departure from the WJ at the end of this month …

Oh wait, I didn’t get any!!!

You Only Hurt the Ones You Love …

In fact, all that showed up in my queue was one dismissive quip from one of my racist friends with the legendary — and perpetually amusing — 06880 Parent group …

Really, folks? That’s the culmination of my service to our little town?! No Unsung Hero recommendations to Dan? … No request to be honored at “Booked”? … No flowers? … Feh! … Well, you won’t have Jarret Liotta to kick around anymore! /:-P

It’s ironic, though, that my friend — I’ll call them Racie! — did actually reach out to express their spleen, because it’s a clear affirmation that, despite our differences, I literally do complete them … like the Joker & Batman (and I’m fine being either one in this scenario) … We’re both cut from the same smelly cloth … forged in the same wretched fires of Mordor … Perpetual critics of everything around us, forever striving in futility to make this ass-backward world conform to our need-to-control liking … To paraphrase King Crimson, we’re two of a perfect pair! …

I’ll miss ya, Racie!! 😉

Guten Vader Tag

Today was Father’s Day and my daughter gave me a lovely & thoughtful gift of being sick — she said it was so I could care for her & act all fatherly, as in years past … In response, I dosed her cereal with a sleep draught so she’d pass out and I could finally get some work done …

And that’s why I want to give brief (albeit heartfelt) tribute to her and my no-good son, both of whom complete me, like Harpo and Chico completed Groucho (with Zeppo playing only a minimal role and Gummo rarely talked about at all) … or the Three Stooges, with me always the one with that awful haircut … To quote King Crimson, we’re three of a perfect pair! …

Hearts out to The Squad! This banjo song’s for you!

Criswell’s Hat Predicts

This brings me on to the pressing issue of exactly what may happen to Westport without my Hawkeye personality crafting vigilance — like some vigilant Birdman, or that suspicious guy in the movies who’s always played by Tilda Swinton.

But forewarned is foreshortened (or something like that), so — Donning my Criswell hat — let me offer you some predictions about Westport’s future that may help get you emotionally — if not practically — prepared for the year ahead …

I looked within my Criswellian crystal ball, my spleen, and my bedroom closet to divinate these predictions … I hope they help …

  • Disheartened by a certain local eatery switching from shallots to scallions in their salade Nicoise, the full RTM will pass a resolution condemning the use of green onions. While the resolution will receive unanimous support, a rift over the use of cilantro will cause much controversy and the governing body will become acrimoniously divided between those who just love it and those who think it tastes like hand soap …
  • Staples High School will again have to go into lockdown after the flushing of a loud toilet in the teacher’s lounge will prompt one of the more hypervigilant staff members to report that the school is under siege. While emergency responders will ultimately determine it to be a false positive — “It was either a faulty plunger in the mechanics or the result of excessive shallot consumption,” the Press Release will state — parents will inundate the school district with cries to post armed guards outside of toilet stalls in a gallant effort to foster feelings of safety among the students …
  • A well-known town official will happily announce her engagement to a strapping local entrepreneur who has made his fortune designing Halloween costumes for dogs. The town will rejoice at the happy community news until the official finally remembers she’s already married to another strapping local entrepreneur … Controversy will ensue! In all the likelihood the full RTM will pass a resolution not only condemning her infatuation, but make a recommendation that both she and her pug be forced to wear Halloween costumes in public throughout her term. Her political future will be in serious jeopardy until the day she comes forward and reveals how her addiction to cilantro was responsible for her poor judgment. In the end the pug will regain her seat and pass a law that RTM members will no longer be allowed at Compo Beach in the off season without leashes …

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