By Jarret Liotta

WESTPORT — In lieu of the Xmas holiday — coupled with a slow news week — I thought I’d indulge myself by writing about whatever I felt like.

So, as a perpetually frustrated — and highly opinionated — filmmaker & film aficionado, I thought it would be informative — if not funny and/or slightly offensive — to share my take on some holiday classics and near classics.

(Spoiler Alert:  Reading this will spoil everything!)

“Love The Coopers”

In the messy lexicon of holiday flicks, this numbers among the worst and therefore the most fun to write about.

An odd mélange of weak Wes Anderson wannabe and sophomoric soap opera drama, this Diane Keaton-produced train wreck qualifies for repeat viewing only because it’s so irritatingly dumb. Personally, I can’t make enough pithy remarks criticizing the absurd storylines as they unfold like so much holiday sausage; the pointless handheld camera work and jarringly irrelevant edits that highlight the absent direction; nor the ultimate absurd culminating moment when the great Alan Arkin collapses face first into his mashed potatoes to the tune of Sting singing “Soul Cake.”

Don’t even get me started on Rags the dog, or the disturbing visage of the teens French kissing.

I highly recommend a viewing, but only an hour after you’ve eaten a tab of MDMA.

“The Family Stone”

This is another embarrassing Keaton spectacle soaked in manipulative holiday treacle and confusing socio-political commentary, but at least she dies in this one.

Poor Sarah Jessica’s two-dimensional character is treated like Boxing Day trash by an annoying collection of disparate family members whom we’re supposed to somehow find endearing. Recurring close ups on Luke Wilson’s and Craig T. Nelson’s feet do nothing to help matters.

The cast includes the inscrutable Dermot Mulroney, whose dour granite mug is better suited to a Paul Muni biopic than as a love interest for Claire Danes, who wisely passes through this tremendously awful movie looking scared to open her mouth.

“Love Actually”

Yes, I watch it again and again, but that doesn’t mean it’s any good!

In fact, this broadly misogynistic RomCom is composed of many stupid stories pointlessly woven into one, but buoyed by a sometimes-engaging cast that mostly has the cultural & creative one-up of at least being British.

While viewers must endure such colon-wrenching spectacles as Hugh Grant dancing a la Tom Cruise in “Risky Business,” as well as a slew of dumb fat jokes made in Portugese, the breathtakingly memorable one-woman scene acted by Emma Thompson after the sad realization surrounding Snape’s Christmas gift — coupled with some likable moments from Bill Nighy as the aging rock star — make it something us cynical RomCom suckers keep choosing to endure.

“Last Christmas”

Speaking of Ms. Thompson, she produced and co-wrote this awesome British RomCom loosely built around the music of the late George Michael.

I think this movie is largely brilliant, and not just because I adore London. The script is funny and engaging, the production visually enticing, but most importantly director Paul Fieg demonstrates what it means to have a good director at the helm making myriad good choices.

Best of all, I adore Emilia Clarke, who I understand used to be on some famous TV show about Vikings or something that I never watched, but is a real and engaging comedic joy in this. I especially love her full expressive eyebrows, which seem such remarkable extensions of her dynamic theatrical range.

Big Cheers!!

“The Family Man”

Another film I really like is this Nicholas Cage sleeper, wherein he gets a “Wonderful Life”-like glimpse into an alternative universe, where he’s a simple dad living in New Jersey rather than a rich Wall Street type.

It’s a little long, but pretty funny in places. Cage is an engaging and somehow underrated actor, though I’m prejudiced because “Bringing Out the Dead” is one of my favorite movies. He has an admirable ability to deliver lines and create moments in just ever-so-slightly unexpected ways, which is very cool.

Lesser actors deliver lines the way we expect them to. In one of his books, playwright David Mamet points out how many actors perform a part the way they think the part is supposed to look. Cage, at least in his best moments, is spontaneous and authentic, and that can supersede even mediocre material, though this film is better than that.

“The Bishop’s Wife”

Speaking of favorite actors, I just love Cary Grant if only because he’s frickin’ Cary Grant! And if you love Cary Grant, what could possibly be better than seeing him play an angel in 1946?!

David Niven is a perfect foil, coupled with an endearing Monty Wooley as Professor Wutheridge. It’s an old-school black-and-white with some hokey moments, but it’s a true classic and I can just forgive it everything on the strength of … Well, Cary Grant plays an angel, for Chri’sake!!

Part of what makes this movie distinct, though, is great cinematography by Gregg Tolland. The camera operator for “Citizen Kane,” Tolland’s angle choices and focal depths in several scenes are subtle but strong, and make this just a little better than others.

“It’s a Wonderful Life”

Of course, this is a great movie for a number of reasons, but really it’s the brilliance of the writing that makes it so solid.

Everything ties together in a clever and yet simple way. Everything has a point and everything brings balance in that memorable world of Bedford Falls, New York.

In the process, great director Frank Capra is able to accentuate distinct and memorable qualities in his characters, even the least important, because each is driven to purpose by the clean and memorable arc of our hero George Bailey …

And Beyond …

So many movies to bash and praise, so little time for viewing …

Perhaps next week I’ll detail how Garry Marshall’s imbecilic “New Year’s Eve” gave me a goiter …

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