by Jarret Liotta

WESTPORT — A wise man once said that acceptance was the key to solving all problems. It’s a radical concept insofar as it implies that, on a level, in order to solve my problems I have to ignore them.

Ironically, often there is no other solution … But being a particularly lazy young man, it’s actually a method of living that I’m drawn to embrace, so here I go again, just floating down stream in the warm-water eddy of acceptance, like so much welcome enema fluid!

Apple & AT&T Suck My Flaccid Willy Wand!

I got a new Apple phone this week with a new AT&T plan and I’ve quickly discovered that both companies are reprehensible merchants of scum and lies … and there doesn’t seem to be a damn thing to do about it.

It began when Apple locked me out of my AppleID for no clear reason, thus preventing me from being able to do a wide range of things I’d been invited to do with my extremely expensive new phone.

(Honestly, I really hate to give up my old phone, which I bought for like $80 — as well as my lovely plan with Republic Wireless, which has never been more than $23 a month for over four years. The problem is they “upgraded” their system and now, while my bill hasn’t gone up, my phone no longer receives calls, just voicemail messages. It’s kind of a drawback to having a phone — if you stop and think about it … At only $23 a month, I might even think my expectations were getting unreasonable — I mean, did they promise the calls would come through?! … I waited as long as I could, but when it took me seven tries to order a pizza last week, I realized I had to make the switch.)

I tried to be nice to Apple … I swear I did!!

Already in possession of an AppleID, owing to my expensive Apple computer (which, to their credit, did come with a free Apple sticker) I tried to sign in with my password on this new phone … But after it didn’t work three times — for no good reason, I assure you — I received notice that my account would be locked for literally three weeks to allow them time to investigate the matter. (I’m not sure what matter, but they’re clearly privy to things that are none of my business.)

Unable to find any phone number to reach a human being — nor any way to contact anyone by email — I finally went to the Apple store — in search of the “Genius Bar” — and was told by four very nervous geniuses — (who seemed awkwardly poised and ready for me to suddenly erupt into a violent tirade) — that there wasn’t a damned thing they could do, as it was a “separate” group that had locked the phone. They literally told me they had no way of reaching them or making contact, and they said my only recourse was to wait until I was notified in three weeks on — and get this, I’m not joking! — my old phone number!

Getting a Lube Job at the AT&T in Downtown Westport

Meanwhile, after going to Westport’s downtown AT&T store and being assured — nay, promised! — that my new phone plan would total no more than $56.00 a month, with no hidden fees, no sign-up costs, etc. — tax and all included — yesterday, less than a week later, I received my first bill for $125.00. This included the sign-up fees, various taxes and service charges, and a monthly “plan” cost of $75.00.

(Ugh! My anus hurts just thinking about all of this!)

I went through loops and hoops to try to change the plan online, clicking their alternate plans and promising to go paperless, pledging my bank account number, etc. And after everything appeared to be finally sorted and settled — after I swore I’d be good if they would just reduce the cost a little — I clicked the final button and got a message that said, “Sorry, something went wrong! Contact a representative!”

Aww, Who do I really need to call anyway?!

(Of course, I tried to, but the online path I followed led me back to a page suggesting I go paperless yet again after I pay my new bill for $125.00, which somehow now appears to be past due.)

Actual tech and fair trade issues aside, the thing I find most discouraging is this representation of an Orwellian world where we live at the mercy of uncontrolled institutions that can screw us any way they want with no recourse. And there’s nothing to say about it, because there is no recourse!

I’ll go to AT&T tomorrow and be told it’s tough luck, and if I want to have a phone that functions I need to pay at least that. And if and when Apple decides I’ve been punished long enough, I’ll get my access back until they decide to take it away again (probably after they see this column!) …

Bend Over & Try Some Acceptance

And there is not a God-damned thing I or anyone can do to stop them … or the ubiquitous automated responses they hide behind … or the useless non-human shadow support service that controls our world … or cell phone addiction in general and all its stupid ramifications … or texting drivers … or people driving through red lights … or electric delivery scooters traveling at 40 m.p.h. on the sidewalks in New York City … or men who wear loafers without socks …

Acceptance is merely the only answer I have left …

Acceptance is the last great pain-killing solution to all the madness of a blossoming-mad world …

Frickin’ Ohm!