by Jarret Liotta

WESTPORT — Why did Meg Ryan want to return to the past with Hugh Jackman in “Kate & Leopold” when she knew full-well there were no working toilets back then?

Bananas, Peach Fuzz & the Fab Five

I was told several years ago that bananas were going extinct. Did someone save them, and if so, is there a way to genetically engineer them to make the peels less dangerous?

When my hair is short, my ear hair seems to grow faster, yet my fingernail growth appears to slow down. If I could find the ideal barber I could save loads of time and would look great!

I actually never even had ear-hair issues until this one idiot in L.A. trimmed my charming peach fuzz without asking, when I wasn’t paying attention. I still wonder if I have grounds for legal action and exactly what the statute of limitations might be …

As a devoted fan of “Queer Eye” I often wonder what Jonathan would do with my hair. Better still, what would Tan recommend for my wardrobe? Would Karamo make me cry? Do the others ever acknowledge that Bobby does more work than any of them?

The Fab Five have inadvertently brought my daughter and I even closer together, while simultaneously teaching me to eschew clutter.

Panning Chocolate

Why can’t people pronounce the word “croissant” properly, with a proper elegant French “Q-U-A,” instead of that awful, harsh, American McDonald’s-style “K-R-U-H”?

Will drinking a lot of oat milk make me look more like a horse than I already do? After finishing my cereal yesterday I inadvertently whinnied.

Despite my deep adoration for him, I fear Hermann Hesse probably wouldn’t have liked me. But I think I might have gotten on well with Jonathan Swift. I’m truly sorry I never got to meet Robert Altman, Sidney Poitier, Truman Capote, Glen Campbell, or this fetching redhead I saw on the train the other day …

Interesting people I have met and shared moments with include Allen Ginsburg, Hunter Thompson, John Hartford, Howard Stern, Rupert Murdoch, Steven Spielberg and Victor Spinetti.

My Body, My Boundary!

When I tell someone I don’t want to shake hands, why do they think I’ll then want to touch my elbow to their elbow?!

If anti-abortion people are so adamant about protecting young lives, why don’t they do more as a lobby to help poor families? It begs the question of whether the Empire benefits from greater numbers (a la Matrix) provided it can keep them from voting. Meanwhile, do abortion-rights supporters really believe the Empire doesn’t already have physical control over all our bodies through cell phones, television, pollution, EMFs and possibly Indian food?

Is Bridge a dying game? Yahtzee? Risk? Chemin de Fer?

Why is my name so hard for people to spell correctly?

We’re told not to text and drive, not to talk on the phone while driving, or especially not to watch television or read while operating a motor vehicle … Yet cars now come standard equipped with a large screen mounted on your dashboard, on which you’re encouraged to watch ever-changing information while you’re driving …

Cultural Myths Around Movies, Music & Meh

When are we, as a culture, going to admit that the script for “The Godfather” is slightly confusing and not all that terrific. Likewise, when will people realize that a good actor shouldn’t perform the part of an elderly person simply by shaking and speaking with a befuddling English accent.

Based on the fact that it was done in one first-and-only single-recording take after an all-day session in the studio, The Beatles’ iconic rendition of “Twist & Shout” could arguably be considered the greatest rock recording ever (and I’m a Beach Boys aficionado)! … Very close behind is Taylor’s original “Shake It Off!”

It’s interesting that when I hear people laughing loudly and having a good time together — like in a restaurant or on a train — rather than feeling happy for them or catching contagious glee, I usually get annoyed and just wish they’d shut up!

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads the crap I write & why I’m not invited to more literary gatherings …

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