By Jarret Liotta

WESTPORT — The holidays mean different things to different people. For some it’s a time for celebration and gratitude. For me it’s an opportunity to see how long I can go without showering.

New Year in particular offers the paradoxic chance to look both ahead AND behind — no small feat when your back hurts — but for those of us forever terrified to be in our own skin, this is a golden opportunity to avoid being present & should be milked for all its worth well into mid-January …

Year? What Year?!

It’s hard to believe that 2021 flew by so quickly. I’d swear it was only 362 days long. (I have a sneaking suspicion, in fact, that we were short-changed several days in early August.)

To be honest, I don’t remember much of this year. I think Betty White died, but that may have been another year. I know people walked around wearing masks. I don’t think they were doing that in the early 1990s — at least not as often.

An Internet search of 2021 revealed some items about Christina Aguilera and professional golf, but I did not read them closely enough to see if they were inter-related. I know golf was played and Aguilera sang, though not necessarily about five irons or bogies.

A general merriment speckled the bounding population of 2021, coupled with those intermittent episodes of people wanting to shriek like banshees.

Thinking Locally

In Westport things pretty much continued as they always do — people farmed their onions … couples strolled around Main Street under straw hats & parasols, lapping up sarsaparilla sodas like feral cats and playing zither music on accordions and accordion music on shruti boxes… apple pie-faced kids ran around the open hayfields like so many goobers, hooting in celebration of the generous harvest two-ought-twenty-one was fit to wrought.

Over in the Coleytown area a wolverine was mistaken for a bobcat, while out on Saugatuck Shores a guy named Bob was mistaken for an avid Wolverine fan who sometimes walks his dog out there, though sometimes the dog appears to be walking him.

Early Postscript: Revisiting the Recent Past

In reviewing my 25 or so columns from the past year — and let me tell you, it did nothing to help my narcolepsy — the one, most important item I found that I felt most strongly about revisiting related to my overview on Lucille Ball, which was unsoundly written before I had the chance — some would say misfortune — of watching a slightly disinterested and vaguely menacing Nicole Kidman portray her in a new hyped movie called “Being The Ricardos.”

While it had its merits — J.K. Simmons as Fred Mertz, coupled with some fine & expensive production design — I was surprised to find it didn’t hold a candle to a cheaper, older (2003) made-for-TV movie called “Lucy,” which stars Rachel York and pops up for free on Amazon.

Don’t You Want Somebody to Love Lucy

Unlike a cold performance by Kidman that feels like she was never really a fan of the Comedy Queen to begin with, York did her homework with infinite care and apparent love, (as did many in production), and she shares moments — a real truly amazing recreation of the famous grape-stomping scene among others — worthy of a quality biopic and fitting homage.

While the film has weaknesses, it’s replete with real research on her & Desi’s life, versus the sloppy speculative and rather predictable dramatic simplifications hammered into Aaron Sorkin’s “Being The Ricardos” script — ones that largely could have been layered over any number of famous couples in an equally weak biopic.

Kudos York and Company for “Lucy”; Meh to “Being The Ricardos”… And now I’ll try to stop talking about it!

Being Westport

But I won’t stop talking about my burgeoning hopes for Westport in 2022 — a newly refreshed town where people aren’t harassed by leaf blowers or ARPA money.

With winter here, dogs are back on the beaches, which means we’ll be seeing fewer in the supermarkets and restaurants, though that doesn’t mean they won’t be getting better tables than you or I.

Sure, there are problems — for instance, Ms. Tooker has been in office for two years now and there still aren’t sidewalks along Compo North or the Merritt Parkway!

I’m also still waiting for someone to write a Westport Anthem that could be sung at town gatherings (before the National Anthem, but after the Pledge of Allegiance, which I recently put to music). I’ve been working on the lyrics for what could become a locally known ditty, but to be honest I’m having a hard time finding words that rhyme with “Saugatuck.” (Feel free to send in suggestions, but watch yourself — no one likes a wisenheimer!)

What Lurks Ahead

With climate change the overriding fashion, it’s fun to speculate on exactly what our weather patterns will be in 2022.

Having noted last year that November is the new October, I predict February may be the new March, thus turning January into the shortest month by default. This all assumes that I’M the new Criswell, which is highly illogical, given my short hair and Neanderthal gait.

Likewise, I predict the flooding may get worse when coupled with rising ocean levels, so I’m wondering if it might be prudent to relocate the Post Road to Easton Road and thus plan for a new beach somewhere near Cross Highway.

Finally, don’t be surprised if it’s wedding bells for some well-known faces in town, though we don’t want to speculate because we can’t remember their names. And I think I heard “wedding” and not “weeding,” which probably makes less sense given the noise ordinance, but will never be as frilly or musical.

In short, let’s just say it’s going to be a tremendous year of bounty in Westport — secret weddings, dogs in supermarkets, and — if we’re lucky — charity golf events featuring Christine Aguilera.

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